Thursday, November 27, 2008

Cheesiest Country Songs Ever

Michelle and I both speak a little Spanish. She more than I. The difference is she knows past and future tenses. I'm an in-the-now type of guy. Anyhow, we both know well enough what a real Mexican Spanish accent sounds like. And we are in the habit of poking fun at English pronunciations of Spanish words, especially in a southern drawl. If you've done it, you know what I mean. If not, ask me and I'll show you sometime. That's the backdrop for the first contestant in my "Cheesiest Country Songs" contest. It's from Garth Brooks.
She used to be my rosa amarilla
My little Mexicali tomatilla
But then one night I drank too much sangria
Woke up and found a note that said I'll see you

Oh, my baby no esta aqui no more
My baby no esta aqui no more
She left me here with nada
Broke my heart like a pinata
My baby no esta aqui no more

Whoa, whoa, whoa, if you see her
Please, please tell her that I need her

I used to be her number one vaquero
Her numero uno caballero
But I've had to hock my spurs and my sombrero
'Cause when she left she took all my dinero

Oh, my baby no esta aqui no more
My baby no esta aqui no more
She left me here with nada
Broke my heart like a pinata
My baby no esta aqui no more

Whoa, whoa, whoa, if you see her
Well please, please tell her that I need her

Oh, my baby no esta aqui no more
My baby no esta aqui no more
She left me with nada
Broke my heart like a pinata
My baby no esta aqui
My baby no esta aqui
My baby no esta aqui no more
And all the High School Spanish teachers let out a collective sigh of despair.

Our next contestant is Alan Jackson. Now, I really like Alan; he has a lot of really good songs, and he is the quintessential country voice. But no one is accusing him of being technologically savvy. Computer geek he ain't. Picture the writing process for this song, circa 1996:

Alan: What about that internet thing? Heard a lotta talk about that lately.

Bubba the Cohort: Yep, I reckon them there computadoras is here to stay.

Alan: You sound like Garth Brooks. Now let's see here... computers. Internet. Keyboards, mouses, electricity, printers. Yeah, I can work with that. Now ain't all them spots on the internet started out with dubyas? What say we call it www.memory?

And a hit was born...
I know you're leaving, I see the signs
You're gonna walk out on this heart of mine
You'll never call me, you'll never write
You made your mind up, you're gone tonight
If some rainy day you're all alone
You feel like talkin' you can log me on

At www.memory
I'll be waitin' for you patiently
If you feel the need, just click on me
At www.memory

You won't even have to hold me or
Look into my eyes
You can tell me you love me
Through your keyboard and wires
No, you won't have to touch me or
Even take my hand
Just slide your little mouse around
Until you see it land

At www.memory
I'll be waitin' for you patiently
If you feel the need, just click on me
At www.memory

If you feel like love, just click on me
At www.memory
For the record, I checked www.memory and it's an e-tailer of computer memory and other accessories. You gotta remember to register your domain name, Alan. Geez.

1 comment:

raskolnikov said...

Hey Jared,
this has nothing to do with this specific blog but check out www.responsibleshopper.org. Also, you must read Exiles by Micheal Frost. It is essential reading for people like you and I.